Disgusting, isn’t it?

Disgusting, isn’t it?

 

Many people find it hard to relax.  They’re too busy keeping themselves busy.  They’re probably afraid that if they take the time to relax they’ll have a hard time getting back to what was keeping them busy in the first place.

Yoga is one of my favorite ways to relax. I also enjoy reading a good book or watching reruns of  “Law and Order.”

Relaxation for my husband means going for a bike ride or napping while surfing the channels on our TV.

The other day I heard about a  another way to relax but it’s not something I ever plan to try.

The other day when I was in the ladies locker room at the gym I heard a woman say, “I’m so fired up after that zumba class. Can’t wait to go to the stable and relax.” What was so relaxing about a stable, I wondered.  Was she planning to nap on a pile of hay? “There’s something so therapeutic about cleaning things up that feels so good.”

“You really enjoy cleaning a stable?” I asked her.

“Sure.” she said. “There’s something about shoveling manure that’s so relaxing.”

I didn’t tell her but in my opinion her idea was absolutely disgusting.

“Doesn’t the smell turn you off?” I couldn’t help asking.

“Not at all,” came her reply. “It smells just like fresh grass.”

What can you learn from this?

  1. We’re each entitled to have our own opinions
  2. Whenever possible, do your best to have an open mind.
  3. Your way may not be the only way.
  4. It’s okay to disagree.
  5. Don’t knock it until you try it.

 

Out Of Control?

3724503239_a1fcbd9f82I was watering flowers in my yard when my neighbor stopped by.

“Nice flowers,” she said, sadly.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“You know, I wanted to have grandkids by the time I turned 45,” she sighed. “But that didn’t happen.

“I’m confused,” I said, “Didn’t you show me pictures last week of you and your grandkids on vacation?”

“You’re right. Now that I’m over 55, I have grandkids. But they’re still just babies.”

“Are they okay? Did something happen to them?”

“No. They’re fine. The problem is I wanted to have great grandkids before I turn 60. The way it’s going I’ll be lucky if I have any by my 80th birthday.”

With that, she turned and walked away.

What can you learn from this?

You can’t always have what you want when you want it.

There are 5 important takeaways for you about interpersonal relationships that will help you with family and friends and at work.

  1. Instant gratification doesn’t last much longer than an instant.
  2. If we want our kids to become independent, we have to let them be independent.
  3. People make their own choices. We don’t control them.
  4. Learn to enjoy what you have before you look for more.
  5. There are a lot of ways to look at the same situation.

All the best,
BJ

Too Much or Not Enough?

Love_Heart_bandagedThe other day my neighbor complained to me that her mother called her at work and asked her to drop off some Band Aids on her way home.

“Was she bleeding?” I asked.

Shaking her head my neighbor said, “Just her way of getting me to stop by to see her. She’s stuck at home taking care of Dad who had back surgery. I’m working 12 hours a day and she wants me to drop everything. She could’ve called one of her neighbors. But she called me instead!”

“Don’t you want to check up on your dad?” I asked.

“I would if my mom wasn’t such a control freak. I used to see her every day when we worked in the same office. Now that I work some place else, I can’t be with her as much as she wants. If I stop by for a few minutes, she finds an excuse to get me to stay longer. So now I don’t bother at all.”

Later that afternoon, my cousin complained to me that her mother is moving to Florida.

“I don’t know what I’ll do with her so far away,” my niece said. “She’s so much fun to be with! We get together a few times a week.”

What can you learn from this?

You can’t always have what you want.

There are 6 important takeaways for you to learn about interpersonal relationships that will help you with family and friends and at work.

  1. Change isn’t easy to accept.
  2. When we raise our kids to become independent, we have to let them be independent.
  3. We have to understand that other people have their own boundaries and their own lives.
  4. Not everyone does things the way you want or even what you want.
  5. There are a lot of ways to look at the same situation.
  6. Family and friends are part of who you are. Life is too short to lose the connection.

All the best,
BJ

P.S. I help parents who want to have enviable relationships with their adult children.

P.P.S. I help small businesses that want to have enviable relationships with their employees and among their employees.

P.P.P.S. Please send me your input concerning the 2 mother/daughter situations mentioned above.

All Together Now!

Naama BayLast summer our sons and their families (4 adults and 13 kids) vacationed together on the other side of the world.

Our older son lives on the other side of the world so for him this meant a taxi ride of only a few hours to get to the resort.

For our younger son, who lives in the States, this meant a very long airplane ride followed by several long hours in a taxi.

My husband and I were so thrilled that our sons and their families had such a great time together that we let them convince us to join them this year

Last year they stayed at the resort for an entire week so I assumed that would be the plan this year.

Last week Chaim, our younger son, called us complaining about his older brother, “If Zalman’s not going to stay the whole week, why should we bother going at all?”

This was supposed to be a fun time for all of us. I didn’t want to be dragged into an argument.

“I hope you don’t feel we’re forcing you into this,” I said.

“You’re not,” Chaim said.

“The last time I checked you told me you had such a good time that you couldn’t wait to go back again. Right?”

“That’s true.”

“Zalman has his family and you have yours. They decide how to spend their time without asking us just like you do.”

“I guess you’re right,” he said, sounding as if he understood.

Later that day, I remembered a conversation I had with Zalman when he and Chaim were planning last summer’s vacation. I recalled Zalman telling me that he and his family probably weren’t going to stay for the whole week, but as it turned out, they changed their minds and did stay the entire time.

What can you learn from this?

I could have wasted my time arguing with either or both of my sons but past experience convinced me not to bother.

There are 6 important takeaways for you to learn about interpersonal relationships that will help you with family and friends and at work.

  1. You need to pick your battles.
  2. Not everyone does things the way you want.
  3. Don’t get stuck in the middle. You won’t win.
  4. Don’t get stuck in a rut. Why not try a new approach to a situation?
  5. Instead of always doing thigs the same way, why not try something new.
  6. Family and friends are part of who you are. Life is too short to lose the connection.

Only my very best,

BJ

Eager to Please

I wasn’t surprised when our younger son and his family brought a lot of outdoor clothing with them when they recently visited us. It’s winter, the time of year for warm coats, hats, gloves and boots.

What did surprise me was that they left it all in a heap on the floor directly in front of the coat closet and the coat rack where my husband and I store our winter stuff.

I might not have minded if it weren’t for the fact that to get to my workspace I had to climb over the mini mountain of their stuff.

Maybe I should have said something as soon as they started dropping their stuff on the floor.

But instead of making a big deal of it, as I often did when our sons were young, I tried to be easy-going and just tried to clear a pathway for myself.

Too bad that wasn’t even remotely possible.

So I decided to clear my husband’s and my stuff off the coat rack and hang it in the closet to make room on the coat rack for the mini mountain of stuff on the floor.

When my husband saw what I was doing he told me he’d take care of it.

In the past, he might have ordered our son to put away his stuff. This time, he tried a different approach and it worked.

“It would make Mom really happy,” my husband said pleasantly to our son, “ If you would take all the stuff you dumped on the floor and put it in the big rolling duffle bag you left pinned underneath it.”

Without complaint, our son did as he was asked.

But the overstuffed duffle bag now blocked my way. So I tried to roll it to one side.

“Please leave it, Mom. I’ll take care of it,” our son told me and went on to put everything away.

What can you learn from this?

Sometimes it’s a worth trying a new approach to a situation.

There are 6 important takeaways for you to learn about interpersonal relationships that will help you with family and friends and at work.

  1. You need to pick your battles.
  2. Not everyone does things the way you want.
  3. If you change your attitude, others may change theirs for the better.
  4. Don’t get stuck in a rut. Why not try a new approach to a situation?
  5. Instead of always doing things the same way, why not try something new.
  6. Family and friends are part of who you are. Life is too short to lose the connection.

Only my very best,

BJ

P.S. Please let me know if you’ve ever been in a similiar situation. I’d love to know how you handled it. Send me an email at bjrosenfeld@gmail.com.
Subject: Similar situation

PPS. Want less stress in your life? Send me an email at bjrosenfeld@gmail.com. Subject: Less stress

Middle Muddle

argument-two-girls“Haven’t seen my grandkids for a while,” my neighbor told me. “They’re getting older.  Don’t get to see them as often as I’d like.”

“I know how that is,” I said, thinking about my family at the other side of the world. “Any idea when the next time will be?”

“Tonight,” she smiled.  “As long as Mighty Mouth can keep her mouth shut.”

“Bet you can’t wait! But who’s mighty mouth?”

“Me,” she said, sadly.  “See my daughter’s getting a divorce.  She and my son-in-law both made mistakes.  He did some bad things.  She did, too. Then she had the nerve to call me to complain about him and try to get me to take her side.  Then he called and wanted me to take his.”

“So what’d you do?” I asked, knowing how much she loves her daughter.

“Told them they were both wrong. Told them I wasn’t going to take sides. Only thing is I don’t want to lose my grandkids.”

What can you learn from this?

My neighbor could have let herself be pulled into her daughter’s corner or that of her son-in-law. Either way, she knew she’d be getting herself into a no-win situation. This may sound simplistic but when your kids were young and started fighting, it didn’t make a lot of difference who started it because they were both involved.  Getting in the middle wasn’t a good option was for you then and it still isn’t now that your kids are adults. Giving them a “time out” was a great option for you then and it still is now. It’s all up to you.

So the next time you find yourself agonizing over a family disagreement, remember the grandkids are going to lose out no matter who wins and they’re going to need you even more.

There are 7 takeaways for you to learn about family dynamics, especially when it comes to disagreements or disputes between your adult children:
  1. Members of your family each have their own issues.
  2. You have your own issues.
  3. There’s more than one way to look at a situation.
  4. It’s often hard to tell who’s right and who’s wrong. Don’t let  yourself be caught in the middle. Your side may win or lose.  Either way you lose.
  5. The grandkids are going to lose out no matter who wins and they’re going to need you even  more.
  6. Family is part of who you are.  Life is way too short to lose the connection.
  7. Do what ever it takes no matter what to get your family to love and include you because no one should have to die alone.

The Empty Nest Chronicles – June Edition

My husband and my younger son often make plans that involve our two families without first checking with me and or my daughter in-law. That’s why my daughter-in-law and I check in with each other whenever there’s even a hint of a plan in the making.

The first plan involved all of us getting together for a few days in our home. Remember, our grandsons are 2, 5 and 8. Then it changed to a few days in their home. I was okay with either option but felt it would be less stressful and less mess in their home than in ours, even if it involved packing our clothes and driving a few hours to their home.

As it turned out the “few” days grew into 8. The location was to be our home. And our son and daughter-in-law would leaving us with the kids for one night. I remembered how it was when my kids were growing up and my husband and I wanted time just the two of us. I was originally okay with a “few” days of us all together in our home. But 8 days seemed like way too much. I truly love my younger son and his family. But 8 days??????? I immediately thought about all the cooking and preparation involved. 8 days = 24 meals. What with the dietary restrictions so prevalent in our family, eating out wouldn’t be an option. And the mess that 3 young boys could make.

My daughter-in-law’s parents live in a house way too small for anything longer than an overnight visit. Last fall they took my son, daughter-in-law and the boys on a vacation in a hotel for a week. I would love to do the same thing but my son and his family prefer my home to a hotel. It’s their home away from home. They call it their “lake house” even if we don’t have a lake. Could I be honest and tell them that 8 days was too much to ask of me?

I called my daughter-in-law who told me that she had hoped to stay even longer but was unhappy it wasn’t working out. I was happy it wasn’t going to work out.

When I told a friend that my family was coming for 8 days, She said “Wow you are so lucky !”
“What do you mean?” I asked, thinking about all the work involved.
“Well, your daughter-in-law is so comfortable with you that she’s willing to spend 8 days with you! Wow!”

The more thought about it, the more I realized my friend was right. I am genuinely lucky. I have 2 wonderful wonderful daughters in law and I love spending time with them. And they do help out.

What can you learn from this? There really is no right or wrong. It all depends on your perception of the situation. I could have let myself be completely bummed out about the hassle of having my family with us for 8 days and all that that entailed. Or I could look at the situation from my friend’s perspective to see how lucky I really am.
So many of parents complain about being estranged from their families, that they never get to see their children and grandchildren. When and if their families do stop by, it’s usually only for an hour or two on the way to or from someplace “more important.”
So the next time you find yourself agonizing over a family gathering, remember that it often takes an outside perspective to help you find your way. There’s more than one way to look at a situation. It’s all up to you.

There are 7 takeaways for you to learn about family dynamics, especially when it comes to family gatherings over vacations or holidays:

  1.  Spending time with your family can be a blessing or a hassle.
  2.  Members of your family each have their own issues.
  3. You have your own issues.
  4.  There’s more than one way to look at a situation.
  5.  Different people see things in different ways. Getting input from a non family member can change the way you see the situation
  6. Family is part of who you are. Life is way too short to lose the connection.
  7. Do what ever it takes no matter what to get your family to love and include you because no one should have to die alone.

BJ

The Empty Nest Chronicles – May Edition

The ringing of the phone startled me. I was in the middle of struggling to finish that day’s New York Times crossword puzzle. It was 7:00 a.m. Who could it be? Probably too early for a crank call. Should I check caller ID? Had to be something important,didn’t it? Could it be the call I’d been been expecting for the past few weeks?
Taking a chance, I answered the phone.

“Mazel tov! Mazel tov!,” said a male voice, but not the one I hoped to hear.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“Of course,” said the voice.

It took me a moment to realize I was speaking to Shloime, my daughter-in-law’s father. He went on to say that our eight-year-old granddaughter had just called with the good news and asked him to call us.
For half a second, I felt put off. Our older son and his family live half way around the world. Even so, didn’t we deserve a direct phone call? Then I remembered the times our son had called us after a new birth and had asked us to relay the good news to his in-laws.

“What’d she have?” I asked, my fingers starting to tingle. That same thing happened after each of my sons was born and it continues to happen after each grandchild is born. The arrival of each one is super special for me.
“She had a boy,” said Shloime. “After all those girls, don’t you think she was hoping for a boy?
And I’m pretty sure I know what they’ll name him.”

Too excited to continue the conversation, I couldn’t think of much to say other than “Mazel Tov.” But I did wonder why Shloime was so sure he knew what our new grandson’s name would be.

After I hung up, it came to me. In our tradition, babies are named in memory of those who are deceased. As of yet, no one had been named in memory of my Shloime’s father. So that’s probably who our new grandson’s name would come from. But we’ll have to wait a week to find out because in our tradition baby boys aren’t officially named until the day of their circumcision.

The name could wait but I couldn’t wait to share the good news.

It never fails that when people find out how large my family is, they are amazed and ask if I have any trouble remembering each grandchild’s name. The first time this happened, I was really annoyed but stopped myself from shouting, “Of course I remember each name!”

“Not a problem,” I now say, taking that question in my stride while recognizing how rare large families have become in today’s world.

I have to keep reminding myself that we’re all intrigued by situations that are outside our realm of experience. For that very reason, we tend to ask questions that may be perceived as naive or intrusive by those in the know.
My older son, who lives on the other side of the world, now has ten children; my younger son,who lives in the States, now has three. As the grandmother of thirteen, people assume I have a favorite.

“No, I don’t,” I insist.

“You sure?” they press me.

“Well…to tell you the truth,I do have a favorite. It’s whoever is sitting or sleeping on my lap.”

BJ